MYSELF
Now that I am a graduate and around twenty years I feel a desire to portray myself.
I have never been handsome of appearance, let alone beautiful. In childhood I was black and unimpressive, not much, different from my elder brother. My mother used to thank her stars that I am not a daughter. She told that being first born my brother was a blessing, what though ugly or queer-looking. That it was a son and without any physical abnormality was enough. The second would have posed a problem – had I been a daughter with the features I had.
I am no philosopher. In my teens, in train compartment, a tall and handsome Kashmiri tourist had forecast that I shall be an artist. He was a palmist of sorts and had indicated my tapering (= narrowing at the head) fingers. But I think that every thoughtful man broods and philosophizes. And so do I. I feel that violence in any form is bad and I hate the religious custom where innocent goats are violently sacrificed before the goddess who is regarded as the saviour of all earthly creatures. Once I even protested against it through pamphlets. Life is a divine gift and none can snatch this privilege even on religious ground.
I like games and sports, painting and playing on flutes. By nature and temperament I am an extrovert (= opening outside). In other words I prefer company of boys, love to visit and participate in cultural clubs and societies. But I dislike idle games like cards as they consume much of the time of the young man. I have seen that card-lovers become slaves to this passion and I hate any recreation that enslaves human passions. I have often tried to introduce in its place the game ‘word-making’ or ‘battle of wits’, But these were not approved generally, as it called for intelligence and thinking, I think.
I have great regard for my elders and great love towards my equals and juniors. Respect for elders has germinated (= grown) from my at my attitude towards birth my my elder brother. Since my father’s death brother has filled the void (= empty place) without making me feel the loss. His ideas are conservative and often we are at cross-purposes (= holding contrary views). He always supports my mother’s ideas that one should not go out on Thursdays or withdraw money from banks on Thursdays again. Many and sundry (=various) ideas like these challenge my scientific and rational outlook. But I always bow down to them out of deference (=respect). Similarly I defer to other serious views, unless they are too orthodox and harmful. Another aspect of my personality deserves mention. Because of my extrovert nature I have always succeeded in befriending (= making friends) my equals. In consequence even juniors like me. I have observed one common psychology among juniors. In general they are ignored by their seniors as inapt (= not fit) or misfit. But they gloat (= become full) – with satisfaction or an inner joy if they are taken into confidence by their elders. This compliance (= following of the principle) has much endeared me to my juniors.
I am still too tender or immature to have any religious belief or conviction. But my mother’s devotion and faith in religious matters has always impressed me. In my childhood I used to sit by her as she shut her eyes while praying to God. Her worship room is peopled (= crowded) with numerous gods and goddess, wearing various dresses and crowns. Now I am no longer a child. Perhaps I have read and learnt more than she did. But still I cannot slight (=hold lightly) her devotion and supreme faith in God. Faith seems to me more changeless then reason, even at this age.
